I have a fear... I am afraid to be completely transparent to others. I am a very relationally driven person, but I am a very sheltered individual. This probably comes from past hurts and broken trust from even some of my once closest friends. I find it much easier to hide my feelings than to be open and honest... with everyone in my life. This is what makes this blog such a hard (and hopefully a growing) experience for me. I desire to know people and be known by people, but I want to manage what they know about me. Even when I am openly working for the Lord, I find my thoughts and emotions sometimes go outside the boundaries that keep me comfortable. I find it hard to "be myself" when I am constantly wondering if "myself" is good enough. I know plenty of people who have seen "myself" and have chosen to dismiss or even hate me. Then I magnify that to an immeasurable level and realize that I am in a relationship with God who knows everything about me. And I could try to run and hide, but I can't. He knows my every thought and every sin intentionally committed against Him. I can't go anywhere outside His presence. I can't do anything outside His knowledge of it. Knowing everything about me, He still died for me. He still says that I am something that is worthy (only through His blood) to be used in His service as His ambassador to a world full of people in the same boat as me. I am NOT THERE YET, but I am on the journey toward the only real goal, His holy perfection. Others can say that they are good people, but I don't dare say that about myself. I am trying to follow in the footsteps of the only individual that ever was a "good person." He is God who lived a perfect life, has every right to judge me for not being perfect, and instead died for me. So, I can open up and be real with Him. He is faithful to forgive when I do (with repentant sorrow). I just hope that others can see that I am NOT THERE YET, and cheer me on as I run toward the goal.